Parenting: Dealing with Teenager’s Anger

In the Novel “The Peer”, the parents fail to understand that the anger of the protagonist arises from his low self-esteem, his perception of himself/herself from childhood. Peer Pressure impacts the weak child the most. Outwardly, the kid might be very good at academics,but one would still find the teenager angry & frustrated most of the time. Parents fail to recognize the red flags though  they are right in front of them.The teenager is trying to express himself through anger. It is the only tool available to him to vent out. If parents do not realise that something is affecting the child, it will lead to continuity of the behaviour into adult life. 

Tenagers parents are facing their children’s anger issues. Teenage is definitely tough for them and for parents too. Parents are at a loss to understand the reasons behind their bouts of anger. They are confused on how to respond since the outbursts of their children provokes anger in them too but both sides being angry only exacerbates the situation. Teenagers feel they need to get out of that mode. They resort to escapism through risky behaviour or self harm or indulging in acts hidden from parents. Parents want to protect their children from such risky behaviour and hence patiently wait for the kids to respond normally. Sometimes parents think as to why their kids sometimes treat them as enemies and not friends. Parents think that it is only their kids that are abnormal since other children seem normal. But little do parents realise that outward appearances do not convey the truth and that most parents are in similar situations. Teenage is the age of defiance and conflicts between parents and children start from this point. 

In some cases, the children are constantly angry at their parents and constantly remind their parents that it is their life and parents need to keep out of it. At this time, if parents react violently assuming their children need to be corrected, teenagers switch on defensiveness invoking the victim card. When a teenager self-blames, he believes that there is a fundamental problem and that the whole world is against them from parents to teachers to siblings to classmates. They trust a selected few who they feel understand them better than their parents. Teenagers feel that their parents are criticising them even for mistakes which are done by siblings. Siblings bear the brunt of teenager’s outbursts. If the sibling is an infant, he internalises anger as a powerful tool. Parents need to talk with their teenagers and force them to accept themselves as they are first and take responsibility for themselves. 

Many parents these days feel it best to leave the child alone rather than invite an angry response for their sulkiness. When there is a real problem, the pattern of routine activities changes for teenagers. Parents need to hold instead of walking away from the situation at that time even at the risk of their child hating them for their persistent indulgence. Parents feel their children are drifting away from them while children think that their parents hate them & hence keep asking them to accept responsibility. Sometimes despite knowing the risks, parents are forced to be tough in areas in their control since the children need to understand that the behaviour is unacceptable. They need to not self-deprecate themselves. Neither are they nor their kids failures. They are not bad parents nor are their kids bad children. There unfortunately is no school for PARENTING nor for kids for behaviour training. 

Teenagers feel victimised and burdened with expectations even though parents are only communicating to them their normal routine works. Low self-esteem in childhood is the primary cause for teenagers' anger. ADHD children exhibit this more. Teenagers are not able to manage their emotions properly and hence self-control being weak, results in impulsive angry outbursts. Parents of teenagers are surprised that the normally reticent children are arguing with them, showing anger on siblings, complaining about parental rules. Teenagers feel they need to control their environment while Parents feel teenagers need to be under their control. It needs to be their rules,their wishes and their timetable that parents need to follow instead of viceversa. Teenagers cover their low self esteem by getting angry at Parents. Infact Parents are their sandbag for their frustrations, for the peer pressure problems at their educational institution. Sometimes the issues go out of hand and need psychiatrist help. 

Technology has not been helping since in normal parenting, the boundaries are set but with rapid technology, the internet or more so the smartphone has broken boundaries making content available to teenagers. Online learning has forced parents to give internet access to children which can in many cases become an unbridled addiction. Teenagers are being exposed to sex much earlier than they normally would have been. It is in this age that they share more with friends than parents. Hence peer pressure becomes more relevant since teenagers go by their friends' opinions on various issues.

• Parents need to realise that they cannot control their teenagers feelings but can certainly help them manage the same. However angry they are, teenagers still want parents to tell them that they are there to love and care for them.

• Being Judgamental is what teenagers do not like. They just want parents to listen or else they stop talking. 

• Teenagers need to be involved/engrossed in activities which are fun for them. An engrossing hobby absorbs a lot of the frustration of teenagers. 

• This is the age they do not want to follow routine. Parents need to ensure that they follow their normal routine with ample family time &sleep time. Doctors suggest that cutting electronics two hours before sleep helps in healthy sleep.

• Screen time should not exceed a couple of hours. Many parents across the country have found that their children's irritation has increased since online learning classes started. 

• Regular outings are good for teenagers since Nature is a great healer. Having family treks, adventure tours or other adrenaline activities will absorb the teenager’s frustrations. In Pune,every weekend, we used to climb a mountain. Sinhagad trek was a favourite weekend family activity for puneites. 

• Treks also increase observation, focus and are great diversions.Going in groups will also increase teenagers social skills as well provide an outlet for them. Teamwork also builds in them responsibility and leadership skills forcing them to work together as a team. Wilderness Therapy has been in use for quite sometime in the west to help adolescents  cope with their anger issues. 

Nature is obviously the best healer. In all outdoor activities, many unplanned events happen when the teenager decides to remain defiant or follow his/her own rules. They ultimately in such situations also learn that they alone are responsible for their actions/consequences. Outdoors with more teenagers in summer camps or children’s only outings gives teenagers freedom from parents. Those with low self-esteem have several opportunities to prove themselves and rebuild their confidence. There are smaller milestones to be achieved which builds their confidence. Lack of sports in schools due to Covid is also hampering efforts of children to cope up.  So parents should definitely take their children outside on weekends, especially in a natural environment where children can pursue activities at their own pace. Even unplanned weekends can be fun for them since then it puts the children in control to plan.Weekends with group of kids without parents is more fun for kids since going out with a group of adults sets expectations for children from their parents but an all kids outing obviously heals children. 

Beyond School, there might be some activity that the kid is interested in doing. Social Service or voluntary activity acts as a great leveller and also builds self-esteem in such teenagers. Teenagers can form their own children's clubs or they can start Rotary Interact clubs or even online clubs under which they can take up activities for the less privileged. Several such clubs have formed across the country where children at a very young age are learning to collect funds and donate them to various causes. Teenagers can discuss at regular meetings what issues they want to focus on. It could be raising awareness only or conducting some events or participating in activities like 5K,10K runs or donating to orphanages/old age homes/the needy. The more extracurriculars the kids are involved in as a group will neutralise all group members' issues. Most of these issues arose since unlike the previous generation, kids do not come out of their houses in evenings and play on the road. Now. children start doing homework after they come back from school. There should be at least one hour of group play for kids. Parents need to change their attitudes and put children in group activities mandatorily. In exam time, such group activity can act as a stress reliever.